Hogwarts: The Musical
by The Fool on the Ant Hill
Summary: I think the title’s pretty self-explanatory. Basically, it’s a series of humorous ficlets involving Hogwarts students and random bursts of song. Complete silliness, really. Read the prologue for more information. Rated PG for possible language.
1. Prologue

**Author's Notes/Disclaimers**

Hello all, the Fool here. There is indeed a prologue below this, so please don't report me because I'm posting author's notes (they're needed). Be kind. Thanks. 

I do hope you have already assumed the following statements, but in the case that you haven't, and because I'm obliged to, here you are (they apply throughout this fic):

Disclaimers:

1) I do own Harry Potter. Yes indeed I do. All of the books stand on my shelf in hardback form and on CD. Really now, in all seriousness, I did not create any of the people, places, or events that appear in JK Rowling's series. I just play with them. I'm not making any money off of this, so BACK you bloodthirsty lawyers, BACK I SAY!!!

2) I also do not own any of the songs performed by the aforementioned. I just enjoy singing them.

Author's Notes:

Yes indeed this is meant to be funny. And sappy. Sometimes even corny or flat-out cheesy, so brace yourselves, kids! They also jump around a lot; in no way is the majority of this fic continuous. There are a couple that relate to each other, but the rest is random.

I'm here to educate. Heh. I wanted to honor _real _music (!), instead of today's "canned music"…er…pop music. I mean no hurtful offense to people who really do like them *cough cough* but you may come across some ridicule of today's pop princes and princesses. I'm allowed to have some fun, aren't I? *grin*

Lastly, I would greatly appreciate it if, after reading/inhaling/enjoying/disliking the following chapters, you would be so kind as to press that inviting button at the bottom of your screen. This allows you to leave me a short message, giving me any comments/questions/marriage proposals/constructive criticism/death threats that you wish to.

I see the sun going down and the eyes in my head see the world spinning round…

===

**Prologue**

Amidst the quiet murmur of confused voices, the Fool assumed her position on her hill. After squealing and hopping around quite like a hot coal walker gone wrong and flapping her arms madly to remove the ants that had found their way up her pant leg, she cleared her throat significantly. "_Hem hem,_" she began with a sinister grin, as all the faces present developed expressions of utter horror. Letting out a short laugh, she continued. "I'm only joking. Welcome to Professor Fool's impromptu music lesson. I do hope this will give you all some incentive…" After this introduction, the Fool began to sing and dance in the fashion of a demented chimpanzee.

_Let's all get up and dance to a song_

_That was a hit before your Mother was born_

_Though she was born a long long time ago_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know _

_            Sing it again_

_Let's all get up and dance to a song_

_That was a hit before your Mother was born_

_Though she was born a long long time ago_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know _

_Lift up your hearts and sing me a song_

_That was a hit before your Mother was born_

_Though she was born a long long time ago_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know_

_            Sing it again_

_Da__ da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da_

_Though she was born a long long time ago_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know_

_Your Mother should know – your Mother should know_

After taking a bow for the smattering of applause by those who were bored or silly enough to attend, the Fool once again addressed the group. "So, without further ado, I bid you take heed of these words, my young Hogwarts friends. Comprehend and make use of them. Do tell all of your companions as well. Well, go on. Class dismissed!"

And the students did just that, frantically brushing off the few angry fire ants that had crept up their bodies.

===

Disclaimer (just one more): The song performed by the Fool, "Your Mother Should Know," was written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Thus, it's not mine.


	2. I Don't Buy That, Even If I Could

A/N: Ok. Here goes with the first real chappie. Hope you like! Please do read and review or I'll be sad. And a sad Fool means no silly Hogwarts: The Musical. We wouldn't want that, now would we? This idea was inspired by a friend of mine at a Building Bridges session. I think you had to have been there to really understand, but I hope it's represented well here.

Disclaimers: Yadda yadda, I know I don't really need to tell you all this but all statements made in the prologue apply, as well as 1) I do not own the song performed by todays star character. It belongs to Walt Disney, from the animated motion picture Aladdin.

===

**Chapter One**

**I Don't Buy That…Even if I Could**

"Weasel should really join the beggars outside St. Mungo's. I'm sure he'd be welcome there!" Malfoy's words, though rather lame, still rang through Ron's ears. He supposed he should be used to it by now. Through the years, there had never been a shortage of scathing comments flying from the Slytherin's mouth. Likewise, there had never been a shortage of inappropriate words and gestures thrown back by the Gryffindor. Only this time…this time, Ron Weasley had given Draco Malfoy a great disappointment: he'd simply walked away. It wasn't like Ron to accept Malfoy's words without retaliation, but he was just tired of it all. 

Harry and Hermione were saying something, but Ron couldn't hear them. He couldn't shake the feeling those harsh words had given him. So, rather than draw his wand threateningly as he usually did, an angst-ridden, woeful Ron Weasley dragged his thin frame and unruly orange mop down the corridor. Eyes downcast, he dismissed all greetings or consolations without a second glance.

The rest of the world began to move in slow motion, as sorrow flew through the boy's mind at top speed. Standing in the middle of the half-empty entrance hall, Ron parted his lips and let his grief spill out into a surprisingly sweet voice.

_Riffraff, street rat_

_I don't buy that_

_If only they'd look closer_

Ron moved toward the great oak front doors, a pained expression on his face.

_Would they see a poor boy?_

_No siree…_

_They'd find out_

_There's so much more_

Here he flung open the doors and with a dramatic toss of his head, he gave a rather ungainly leap to stand in a soulful pose on the top step.

_To me…___

The lanky Gryffindor stared off into the distance, but saw nothing. He was completely oblivious to the many flabbergasted eyes locked on him, the unasked questions flying through his classmates' minds. Instead, he turned back toward the castle, hanging his head. "Come on Scabbers," he sighed softly. The arthritic rat squeaked and followed his gloomy owner back into the entrance hall.


	3. Confessions of a Teenage Bully

A/N: This idea came to me in the middle of dinner. Heh. It's amazing what oven-roasted vegetables can do to one's mind. 

Disclaimer: Yep, I don't own anything except my ideas and my eyelashes. All earlier disclaimers apply, plus 1) "The Lumberjack Song" belongs to Monty Python. Everyone should buy a copy of Monty Python Sings for a good laugh, and 2) I recommend you all visit Squeaky's Crudely Drawn Stick Figure Comic Strip versions of the Harry Potter books. I'm putting the link up on my info page. It's highly entertaining, and that's where a certain phrase in this episode comes from. I'll tell you later, don't want to spoil anything.

===

**Chapter Two**

**Confessions of a Teenage Bully**

"Oiy, vermin! Yeah, you firsties! Move!" a certain platinum-blonde Slytherin prefect snarled out of the corner of his mouth. The small group of Hufflepuff first years squeaked in terror and scampered away at lightning speed. Draco smirked with satisfaction.

"No remorse, that one. Honestly, sometimes it's hard to believe he's human. I mean, I know Slytherins are supposed to be evil, but-" the 6th year Hufflepuff was suddenly cut off by a loud shout.

"We're ALTERNATIVE!" declared a green-clad student.

"Alright whatever. Damn, how do they pop up all over the place like that? Anyway, as I was saying, I know Slytherins are supposed to be ev…_alternative_, but I say, he carries it quite far. Why, if I wasn't afraid of getting my brains hexed out by the slimy git, I'd smack him with a Beater's club…"

Draco froze. Had he heard what he thought he'd heard? Turning slowly on his heel to face the Hufflepuff, he gave the deadliest of glares, drew his wand, and prepared to hex the no-good sissy of a wizard. But then…something rather odd happened inside Draco's mind. Before he knew it, he had returned his wand to its resting place in his pocket. The Hufflepuff gave a barely audible sigh of relief, thanking whatever forces had been at work at that moment.

"Oh sod it all," the Slytherin sighed exasperatedly. "I never wanted to be a school bully. I…I wanted to be…A LUMBERJACK!" Every student in the corridor stopped dead in his tracks to listen, awestruck, as Draco continued his speech. From somewhere in the distance a piano began to play, and a chorus of Slytherin students hummed a lively tune.

"Leaping form tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Giant Redwood! The Larch! The Fir! The mighty Scott's Pine! The Sequoia! The lofty Flowering Cherry! The plucky little Aspen! The Limping Rule Tree of Nigeria. The flatulent Elm! With my best girl by my side! We'd sing, sing, sing!" And Draco did just that.

_Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,_

_I sleep all night and I work all day._

The troupe of caterwauling Slytherins suddenly jigged into view and belted out the chorus.

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,_

_He sleeps all night and he works all day._

Draco continued, swinging his arms in a lively fashion.

_I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,_

_I go to the lavatory._

_On Wednesdays I go shoppin'_

_And have buttered scones for tea._

The Slytherins followed suit. 

_He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,_

_He goes to the lavatory._

_On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'_

_And has buttered scones for tea._

Draco and his troupe of Slytherins were now serenading anyone who would listen with sincere enthusiasm.

_I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay,_

_I sleep all night and I work all day._

_(He's a lumberjack and he's okay,_

_He sleeps all night and he works all day.)_

_I cut down trees, I skip and jump,_

_I like to press wild flowers._

_I put on women's clothing,_

_And hang around in bars._

_He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,_

_He likes to press wild flowers._

_He puts on women's clothing_

_And hangs around...in bars???_

There followed a soft murmer of uncertainty, but the Slytherins nonetheless proceeded with the song.

_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,_

_I sleep all night and I work all day._

_(He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,_

_He sleeps all night and he works all day.)_

_I cut down trees, I wear high heels,_

_Suspendies__ and a bra.___

_I wish I'd been a girlie_

_Just like my dear papa._

_He cuts down trees, he wears high heels_

_Suspendies__??__ And a…a bra???_

_What's this?  Wants to be a *girlie*?  Oh, My!_

_And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!_

An akward silence fell upon the singers. Draco and his house-mates stared at one another, shrugged, and resumed the performance.

_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,_

_I sleep all night and I work all day._

_(He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…_

_He sleeps all night and he works all day!)_

The entire school seemed to be gathered in that one small corridor. For nearly a full minute, they stood frozen. Draco scowled at all present, began to whistle and skipped off to class.

===

A/N: Yep, the phrase "Slytherins are ALTERNATIVE, not evil!!!" came from Squeaky. Squeaky's the coolest!

**To Beef McFlurry: Don't worry, I shall! ^_^ There's plenty more to come. "Don't be such a target group!"**

**To Raney: Wheeeee, thanks! I hope you still like it, and I shall try my best to do my job. **

**Good night! I'll be here all week!!!!**


	4. Life's a Laugh and Death's a Joke

Discliamers: Blah, all the usual as well as the song performed by today's guest star is again a product of the genius of Monty Python.

A/N: Well, here I am, trying to keep my promise stated on my user lookup. I had every intention of updating this before midnight on Wednesday, July 7, 2004. It's just my luck that the site was 'experiencing difficulties' at that exact moment…grr…So instead, here it is now. I posted as soon as I woke up. Is that any better?. Anyhoo, hope you enjoy number three.

===

**Chapter Three**

**Life's a Laugh and Death's a Joke**

Harry wheezed as he wrenched the fang from the crook of his arm, the basilisk's venom seeping rapidly throughout his veins. Blood poured out of the open wound, drenching his robes as his vision began to fail him. Just as Harry was murmuring the tearful good-byes his loved ones would never hear, the smallest of pressures was lain atop the burning hole. He looked down to see that Fawkes' magnificent scarlet and gold head hovered just above the searing pain of the rotting puncture in his flesh. Large, silvery tears slid from the phoenix' eyes onto the wound.

"Don't cry for me, Fawkes," Harry choked. "Go, fly away and be merry. Always know that my heart will go on…" the teen Dark Lord-slaying sensation gave an extremely cheap, melodramatic sigh.

"You're dead, Harry Potter," came the calm, yet coldly gleeful voice of Tom Riddle. "Dead. Even the bloody bird knows it. Look, Potter, he's crying for you. I'm going to sit here and watch you die, so make it slow and painful. I'm in no hurry and I've got plenty of popcorn." Suddenly, Riddle's spiteful face broke into a maniacal grin. "Hawr hawr, the Boy Who Lived shall live no more! I could just sit here and gloat, but I do believe this deserves musical accompaniment!"

Harry looked up into Riddle's handsomely cruel face in horror, as the faintly glowing apparition began to sing, bouncing merrily on the balls of his feet and tossing his head from side to side.

_"Some things in life are bad  
__They can really make you mad  
__Other things just make you swear and curse  
__When you're chewing on life's gristle  
__Don't grumble, give a whistle  
__And this'll help things turn out for the best_

_And…always look on the bright side of life  
__Always look on the light side of life_

_If life seems jolly rotten  
__There's something you've forgotten  
__And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing  
__When you're feeling in the dumps,  
__Don't be silly chumps  
__Just purse your lips and whistle-that's the thing_

_And…always look on the bright side of life…Come on…  
__Always look on the bright side of life…_

_For life is quite absurd  
__And death's the final word  
__You must always face the curtain with a bow  
__Forget about your sin-give the audience a grin  
__Enjoy it-it's your last chance anyhow_

_So always look on the bright side of death  
__Just before you draw your terminal breath  
__  
Life's a piece of shit  
__When you look at it  
__Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true  
__You'll see it's all a show  
__Keep 'em laughing as you go  
__Just remember that the last laugh is on you_

_And always look on the bright side of life  
__Always look on the right side of life..."_

"Come on Harry, cheer up," Riddle spoke with a malicious grin.

_"Always look on the bright side of life  
Always look on the right side of life..."  
  
_"Worse things happen at sea, you know."  
  
_"Always look on the bright side of life..."_

"I mean-what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!"

_"Always look on the right side_ _of life!"_

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be giving out Dark Marks in the lobby during the reception," Riddle crowed as he bowed with much unnecessary twirling of his arms.

Harry, however, was more interested in the return of feeling to his limbs, and focus to his eyes. "Fawkes! You weren't crying for me, you were healing me, weren't you, you clever boy?" Fawkes barked and wagged his tail in his greatest impression of Lassie™. The twelve-year-old Boy-Who-Hasn't-Died-Yet gave a great "HA!" of laughter as he and Fawkes skipped off to rejoin Ron, Ginny, and Lockhart.

Riddle cried out and shook his fist menacingly as the heroes, accompanied by a desperately thick and bewildered Gilderoy Lockhart, soared through the stench of sewage pipes on the super-phoenix strength of Fawkes' tail feathers. The future Dark Lord sobbed "I'll get you, Harry Potter, and your little owl too!" before dematerializing with a loud bang, due to the fact that Harry had _decorated_ Tom's diary with the previously discarded fang, thus destroying his whole world of private yet extremely unhealthy boy band worship. 


End file.
